My Giant Math Problem. . .

God you are trying to speak to me, please don't stop or let me forget. Do not close my ears to your words, but open them and help your servant along. God I get done with my meeting with Juan to read in "Searching for God knows What":

"I have this suspicion, however, that if we are going to get to know God, it is going to be a little more like getting to know a person than practicing voodoo. And I suppose that means we are going to have to get over this dear of intimacy, or whatever you want to call it, in order to have an ancient sort of faith, the same faith showed by all the dead apostles"

How else could it be that I would pick up that book, to read that after what Juan and I have been talking about?! Explain it away you could, but she said that my excuses are exactly that and nothing more than excuses!
Then again as I lay in bed, and I can't sleep, I hear Juan's voice screaming in my head, "Jerome, Shut up and do it!" So I got up and opened my Bible to the place marked by my tourniquet (I wonder if there is symbolism there?)and start to read and as I read I come to the end of the chapter, which reads;

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. (1 Corinthians 9:24-27)

What are you trying to say... Correct me if I am wrong but I think that you are trying to say get off your lazy A$$ and run!!! Am I right? Why does it seem so much clearer now? The story of the man pushing the rock comes back to my mind! Why am I questioning when you have asked me to just keep pushing the Rock!? God why am I being so stupid? This all seems so simple now! Your not asking me to figure it all out like a giant math problem, but all you want is just to be my friend and we grow to love and understand each other in time... Patience... Trust.... Compromise, but me to you and not the other way around...

God you are too good for me! Blessed be the Name of my LORD, My God, My Savior, My GRACIOUS FATHER!

Last flower on the hill...

Long have I wanted to be able to write poetry that would move the soul and provoke the thoughts of the reader, but sadly the words that I put together lack the vivid picture wants to create. So I am left with writing childish words on a paper that is ready to fall apart because of all the time that I have erased what I wrote because like myself, I hate it. I try to change it and still nothing happens. My whole life has been me trying to get better at things and though I try, it seems that I am way to good at messing up the things that I want most. The rarest of flower sat in front of me and I watched it, love it, cared for it, adored it, and longed to hold it. Years past and I tired to hold it to my chest to show it the love that I had, the only way that i knew how to give it. I crushed the flower, it now lays broken on this mountain side and I am left with only a memory. I have searched the mountain looking for an equal to this, that I love so much, knowing that the roots would never let me have it. So I continued my search and never found an equal, the beauty so rare that I am left wanting. Though many flowers filled this mountain, none had the color, the shape, the softness, the drawing that this one flower did. So now after I have destroyed that which I have longed for so long, I am left with nothing. Trying to find one with the depth of soul that this one had, for no other touched my heart like this one has and my greatest fear is that none would ever be able to again.