The Complexities of This Thing We Call Life

The storm of oppression hit like waves crashing against the beach…. Slowly it erodes away the strength and beauty of the beach until it looks and feels like a mess. The storm causing massive flooding that takes so long to clean up and fix, after the damage has been done, you are left trying to pick up the pieces that have left you alone and in anguish. . .

It started with a “relaxing” weekend with new friends at a birthday weekend at a camp that her dad is the director at. We went Friday and came back on a Sunday, it would have been fun but oppression hit like the waves on the shore. I felt alone and unable to relate with the people there, it seemed like my ideals and thoughts where foreign to them, the way that I think incongruent with theirs. People’s personalities and actions would annoy me and so by the end of the weekend, I was more tired then I was before…. Completely emotionally drained and weak… this flowed through the week like a flood, that you have to pick up the damaged pieces and you try to start over. So I did, unsuccessfully, I walked through the tatters of my less then blissful week. It came to Friday, I was done. . . wanting a restful weekend alone to regroup and refresh for another week. But I had a retreat that I was suppose to go to, so I went to see Juan. She encouraged me, but I was still down. So I went to the retreat and had an amazing weekend with the group of girls that I am leading to Mexico. God really brought us together as a group and I could not have asked for a better weekend. Then as soon as I got back to Crown, the devil attack me hard core with feelings of worthlessness, whispers of how unattractive I am, and how no one cares about you! Lies, lie, lies, lies!!!

Thank you God for the encouragement, if the devil has to attack me for a week strait with lies and depression, plus these lies and untrue feelings after great weekend, I know that I am doing good if he feels that threatened by me! God you are good to me even when I am not the greatest to you!

For after a depressing time watching the superbowl… and not cause I liked a team (cause I could careless about all that) I got back to my room and was feeling very down and out, but through the encouragement of angels in the form of friends encouraged me to the believe in the truth and reject the lies, but the best part was that this song that I downloaded from family guy came on and it goes, “shut da F**k up! *bang bang bang bang*” ha ha Oh God you have a sense of humor! I love it… then as I started to write this blog, my roommate walked in (the one that I have not had the strongest relationship with this year) and started talking to me. I was not looking to this as it would be a great chat, but it turned into a great conversation/discussion about life, the LORD, and our faith. Then about an hour into the conversation my other roommate came in and continued the conversation till 1:30 in the morning to which we stopped and I finished writing the blog. So I just had a 4 hour conversation/good time talk with my roommates who raised my spirits and my sole.

God be praised for all that you do in my life. Help me to always trust you first, then question what is going on!

Nothing new. . .

There seems to be a shift, that which used to make sense is not confused? I no longer understand people and they no longer understand me. It as if the whole world has changed around me and I have been left alone in a world not of my own. I am in a land of confusion, the land down under, where up is down and down is up. The shallow is their deep and my deep is not understood or even cared about. How did I get here? Is this where I should be? Am I alone? I guess the real question that I need to answer is simply, will I follow Christ and seek my Father’s face if I have to do it alone? Alone… I think that is what scares me more then any other word… to be alone in a crowd of people…. to live in a sea of faces…

Will I follow you God, when all other friends leave me behind for another path… will I hold to you when “new teachings” try to lead me down another path? Will I hold to you when people leave me? Will I hold to you if I end up alone? Can I be alone and still love you for it?

I want You alone.

The more that I head through life the more questions that face me, the more I am unsure about life… Maybe that is the way it is meant to be, wither I like it or not. It seems that when I try and figure something out… the more questions arise. The more I try to find true, the more I am answered with gray. The world of black and white seems to be left behind with my childhood, as long as my God is not left behind as well.

So what do I do now God? I will not falter in my search for you and your true, bless me as I try to honor you in my walk on this narrow path of righteousness to the narrow gate of your perfect love and salvation. Forgive me for the times that I step off your path and try to blaze my own, let me not walk that road alone regardless. Walk besides me as I try to find your, illuminate my path with your light. Do not let me try and light my way with any other light that gives false hope and assurance, but help me keep my mind on you always.

In my search never let me believe anything but your truth and who you are. I do not want a god that I can lead around, I want to be lead by you God. Bless me in that search.