Fish out of Water?

(Part 2 of Revelation through a Friend)

"All dressed up and no where to go. I think I'm taking this trip alone" -NFG

I wish that I could have two songs playing while you read this as they are playing now when I write it. The songs would be "Place In This World" by Michael W. Smith and then the song from Disney's Hercules "Go the Distance" They truly capture how I feel tonight. Alone, down, lost, longing, blind... I feel alone in the crowded room, one that I might add, is full of people who would think that I am their friend. I no doubt that they love me, but still I feel alone when I am round them. There is this feeling like I am on this emotional roller coaster, going from one high to a low. When I stop and look at it, like I am now, I see that the "high" is nothing more then being caught up in something. It is not like I am having a bad time, but it is still that I am caught up in the feeling of doing something... and so when I am alone or the fun is done... I am left alone and unable to relate to anyone. I really don't know how to act or be around more then one other person. I work in the personal, deeper relationships and so when I can't be personal... I don't know what to do and I have to just back off, cause I don't know what else to do. I don't know why I am like this but all I know is that I am.

The lyrics in those two songs really bring out what my friend said and how I feel... I am in this place when I am not suppose to be, I am lost looking for some place that I might belong. I have always longed to have a belonging but always I feel alone. People have failed me, or maybe just failed me in my eyes... Or maybe it is even the media's fault... (In the end it really doesn't matter whose fault it is cause it happened and I can't change the past.) I look all through my life at the desire I have had for a group of friends that I could call my friends... Like my brother and his close knit group of friends from college; the shows I watch... Recess, TMNT, Boy Meets World; everywhere I go..... There is always groups of people that always are enjoying each other's company and having a great time... but not me, I am always sitting there on the corner wanting to be a part of that, but yet I don't know how I can be. I am lost with out any ability to change it.

I know they are so depressing, but yet at the same time I can relate to them! (Simple Plan "I'm Just a Kid" New Found Glory "Tell All My Friends I'm Dead") How much I just want to tell all my friends that I am dead and walk away from the people here and never see anyone again... I am not sure if I would care or not. I know that who I am is because all the people that have been here in my life, but still I am alone. They have shaped me into who I am, but I still feel alone and I wonder even if they could help me. Or if I would even want their help? I hate the idea of self pity and I hate the idea of people having pity on me. I just want someone to really show care and love to me, but in the past they have said what they needed to say to get through that conversation and after that... they ain't there? What?! Isn't friendship helping someone out the whole way through? Not stopping half way?

"I have often dreamed of a far off place, where a hero's welcome would be waiting for me. Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face and a voice keeps saying, 'This is where I'm meant to be" I may not care bout the crowds cheering for me, although it would be nice, I just want to hear that voice from God sayin, "This is where you belong my son"

God I just want to have your peace. I don't care about anyone around me, I just want to know that you still hear me. "If there are millions down on their knees, among the many, can you still hear me? Hear me asking, "Where do I belong? Is there a vision that I can call my own? Show me." I don't know what I want or what I need, I just know that you are God. You know me and you know what I need. You have always supplied my needs. Can you bless me this one time?