I recently went to a camp in northern Minnesota called Big Sandy Camp because a friend asked if I would help out cause they were short councilors. Of course I agreed because there was no reason for me not to go, because I had no job and no other commitments that needed to be filled. Most of the time I am not sure why God has me do some of the things that I do because I never really am given a clear answer, but here is a some from my journal as I pondered that question:
“Lord, I can’t sleep and I feel that these is something bothering me that I won’t sleep… So I call out to you my God and just ask… What? What is it that you want me to know? What do you want me to hear? What do you want me to say? What do you want me to see? Why God am I here?
There is always a reason for what you have going on in my life so here I am God asking that you would help me see what it is that you have me here for, because God I know that even if you didn’t want me to come you have a plan in that. God you showed me that today while I listened to the story of Jonah. That is so crazy to me! You knew Jonah would run away and yet you used him anyways to bring those sailors to you! So I know that even if you didn’t want me to come here these is a reason for that.
I know and always want to trust in you but at times as a weak human doubts start to come into my head and it is at those moments when I need you most! To work in me, giving me tastes to remind me that you got my back and that I am honoring you!
So please Lord, help me to lead those kids with love! Help me to give those kids an image of your love and life so that they know the Father cause I know you!
So I sit back and wait for you! Come meet me here and talk to me!
June 16, 2010
So to put in the answer to the question that was asked the other night would be hard because God didn’t give me any one answer. These are the toughts that came to my mind…. I am here to be broken, to seve those around me, to be a gift of service to the camp as they need, or even to just to have a fun week. . . Or maybe even to get ideas for Kamp Kace.
So one thing about this trip to camp here.
1. I need to love people better.
a. there are people that have personalities of selfishness, egotistic or what-not
b. I get so angry and want to tell them off and rub their nose in their own poop* (not the word I used) and tell them… see it does stink!
The problem is that I am this person but to be honest I don’t want to break myself!
2. God, I believe, is that I need to be broken
a. Troy barrowed me a book that is about being broken…
b. The book is very compelling… and though there is pain in the offering I know that the out come is what I need!
Take my heart, and form it!
Take my mind, and transform it!
Take my will, and conform it!
To yours, to yours O’ Lord!
That is such a beautiful song and the words really have the feeling of the book that I have been reading. ‘Brokenness is what I need’ This song or at least this verse never made sense to me! So the point as I understand it now is that in order for me to really be formed, transformed, and conformed to God’s, mine has to be broken to really be able to be molded to God. To look like god, I have to take the clay mold of my heart to look like God’s heart. To be broken it then gives God the chance to remake. It will hurt, but in the end my heart, my mind, and my will, will be like God’s and to that is the glory of God!”
So much in that week… I still am trying to unpack it all and still trying to read the book! Why do I never take the time that I am given freely and use it for something that makes my Savior proud of his son?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Where do I go from here?
As of late I have been really thinking about where to go from here… both in aspects of what I want to do with my life and my relationships with people and my relationship with God.
I know a lot of these will run together, but I will try and keep them separated so that I can really explore each and then maybe bring them together at the end…
What I want to do with my life: So what is my calling in life? What do I want to do with my life and what kind of vocation will best fit that? I have been told many times over that I will not find what I want to do right out of college, but that doesn’t help me right now. I want to seriously look into what I want with my life and where I want to go. Life is short and my calling is out there, so I want to take this into consideration as I walk through these first few years of looking so that I don’t waste my time as I try to find the right place for me. I know that I really can’t waste my time if I am trying to find my calling, because I believe with my whole heart that God has a plan for my life and each step is a learning experience for my life. But at the same time right now I am staying up late and sleeping in late and have not done much of anything with my life besides watching “two and a half men” and “family guy” as I lay awake at night. I have not been spending time in the Word or in prayer to see where God is directing me, so I might just have to say that I have been wasting my life. That is the sad part, right now I am feeling so worthless in what I am doing and I am not ok with that, yet I am not doing anything with that to make my time worth while. So what am I doing? Wasting my life?
My relationships with other people: What does that look like? What am I suppose to do with my relationships with people? I have failed relationships and I wonder if I am suppose to do more with them and try and work those out or if I am suppose to just let them die? One has been going over the last year, a new Christian trying to set his life right and I wonder what my role in that is suppose to be? We spent the last year talking and hanging out getting to know each other, I supported him as much as I could. I never made any comments about his nights going out getting drunk and going to the clubs, sometimes fights and always dirty dancing, the other things that he would do that I know that a Christian should not be engaged in but I kept my mouth shut and just listened cause I knew that the guy was trying to come closer to God and I knew that he was taking steps and I believed that this was good for him and he didn’t need more rules and things that he had to refrain from. I know that I was there to help him and guide him in the ways that God would want him to go, but I left things because I knew that he needed to learn a lot of these things for himself so that he would take them to heart and believe them for himself so that he would take them seriously and not push them away as worthless advice of someone trying to change his life. Then when there was something questionable that happened in our friendship where he thought I was the one who kept him from hanging out with a girl, which was true in a sense, but yet instead of talking to me about it, he told me to “go fuck myself” which hurt that he wouldn’t take 5 seconds to talk to me about it or even trust me that I wouldn’t do something to intentionally hurt him. He later apologized and so we went on with our friendship, then after school ended we had another fight where he said that I narked on him for a lot of things and that is why he got kicked out of college. So again instead of trusting me in our year (school year) of friendship he blames me for a lot of things and turns our friendship off completely. So what am I suppose to do with something like that? Am I suppose to go and try to figure out what happened and fix this? Am I suppose to just let it blow over? Am I suppose to forget the friendship and count it for loss? Do I go and investigate the whole thing and try and figure out his side of the story?
Relationship with God: What does a real relationship with God Look like? What is the Christian life suppose to look like, feel like? The more that I look at Christianity and what it is, at least here in America, the more that I don’t want to be one. It seems to me that it is so trivial, like a bunch of people who hid behind the greatest gift in the world and almost use it as an excuse for their sin and shortcomings instead of trying to honor Christ in their walk with him or come close to Him. The thought in my head is “who is the Jesus that American Christians worship?” I mean seriously, the other day I went to church and as always I look around at the people who walk in during worship. There were two kinds of people at this service, the ones who came in and as bowed their head and prayed as soon as they reached their seat and the other were the people coming into the service like it was a concert. They were giggling and talking to each other. Now don’t get me wrong, which I know some will when they read this getting angry and saying “why can’t we come to church in a good and happy mood?” But that is not the point of what I am trying to say. I just want to know where the reverence for God, the Almighty Creator of the universe and the one who cares enough for me to save me from my wretched life? When you go back in The Old Testament and you look at what the High Priests had to go through in order to come before God and that was only the high priest and only once a year! Then you look at Moses who took off his sandals and ever time you seem someone who meets an Angel of the Lord they lay prostrate on the ground before them. What I see now a days when I go to church is a bunch of people who treat Jesus as their homeboy and not their God. Where is the reverence that the Catholics hold to or the saints of old? When I see things like this I want to stop being a Christian, because if this is what Christianity is: then the Bible is fake. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” I don’t see that in so many Christians. I see people making their own religion on of “sunday jesus” (I leave them uncapitalised because my God is not in that). I want to see real Christianity and know what it is like! I want to know what a personal relationship is with Jesus that the saints of old talk about. I want to know the heart of the Father and not like I know anyone’s heart, cause I don’t even get my own heart. I want to know what God is and I want to know what the Bible talks about on such an intimate level that I am a new creation. On a level that I have the words of God written on my heart on a deeper level then the desires of my sinful nature control me. I want to be a slave to Christ in that I will give up all my rights and desires and they will become His. I want nothing more then to become like the one that I want to worship and read about in the Bible. So this question is not for someone to comment cause the only answer is going to come from God and no one else. What am I looking for an not finding?
So what is the conclusion to all of this? Nothing… people may read this and be fired up about what I wrote, but the truth is simply that there won’t be change in their lives because they don’t want it. They want the comfort or they are just too lazy to really become a follower of Christ.
My Father in Heaven, I can not deny you, never will I but please save me from the idolism in our world!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Tradition or Bibical Ideals...
I have been thinking a lot on my world views and how I am suppose to develop them in accordance with Scripture. I have been looking at the things that I have been taught first by my parents and then what I have learned in Christian school and then what I have read in the Bible for myself. It makes me wonder how I am suppose to bring the Old Testament Laws and New Testament teaching into my daily life. For example, I was on facebook and I saw a picture of people sitting around and during what I believe was a Bible study/prayer meeting in someone’s house, the older man was sitting on the floor where all the young adults were sitting on the couches and chairs. It made me think of how that would work in my own house and how personally I would never willingly let an elder to me sit on the floor. Now is that something that is just a personal preference or just something that is founded in scripture? Is it a old ideal of my parent’s generation or something that should last through generations? The first scripture that comes to my mind is, “ Honor your father and mother, “"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12) But then, “3Jesus replied, "And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition?” (Matthew 15:3) So I wonder then also if I am going with a tradition or am I trying to honor God’s Word? If anyone had any opinions I would love to hear them!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Telling the Joke, again...
Telling The Joke, again…
Rich Mullins wrote a series columns in Release and it was in one article call “Telling the Joke” also called “Joking Matters” he wrote this about a conversation with a friend:
Then I remembered two things. The first thing I recall is an argument I once had with a friend. After I had whacked away his last scrap of defense, after I had successfully cut off every possible escape route that he could use, after I had backed him into an inescapable corner and hit him with a great inarguable truth, he blew me away by simply saying, "I do not want to be a Christian. I don't want your Jesus Christ." There was no argument left to be had or won. Faith is a matter of the will as much as it is of the intellect. I wanted to believe in Jesus. My friend wanted to believe in himself. In spite of how convincing my reason was, my reason was not compelling.
He went on to talk about how it was not someone who, “explained the nuts and bolts of Christianity to me, but because there were people who were willing to be nuts and bolts.” This really hit me the first time that I wrote this and I didn’t really see how true that this was until just today I was reading in 1 Corinthians (suggested to me by a friend that I reread it when I was feeling dry about my faith, thanks Tiff!) that I really see what Rich was writing about and how it was not just something that man came up with, but rather something that the Holy Spirit spoke through him to say to me, and hopefully others as well. In 1 Corinthians 2:1-5 and even through the rest of the chapter Paul says this:
When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.
The matter is not about me being some awesome preacher by worldly standards, nor is it about me being someone that has all the answers for Christianity, but rather it is knowing Jesus and letting the Holy Spirit be the one that speaks. The world is not going to be won or one by the eloquent words of Jerome Peterson, but rather by a weak man, saved by grace, that lets the Holy Spirit work through him that is going to save the lost of this generation and maybe the next. We are not here to be “All that we can be” like the US Army, but rather we are to be nothing so that there is nothing that draws men to us, besides the power of Christ within us. Like quoted above Paul said, “My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.”
Before I got into chapter two I was reading chapter one and it confused me and brought so many questions to mind.
Since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe… For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."
So when I read this the first time, I was confused. The chapter brought so many questions to my mind and it seemed as though I would have no answers when I was done. Does this mean that God doesn’t want us to preach to the wise, the rich, or the powerful? Does this mean that God can not be understood in science or in logic? Then does that mean that we are to preach only to the people that are dumb enough to accept this, not that the Cross is dumb but that the people that don’t have their world view on the worldly things, the people who want to escape this world’s pain and sorrow? Does that mean that the world leaders or the celebrities are not wanted in the kingdom? These questions racked my mind and I couldn’t believe that the Word of God would be so narrow in His desire for people. At first the whole thing sounded like Paul was saying get the people who are dumb enough to accept it because the smart people of the world will never believe it.
This scared me and really made me question Paul, but just like taking a quote out of context I needed to read on and that is when chapter two brought chapter one into the light of the Holy Spirit’s wisdom. My questions were so far off based that when I read the second chapter I felt like an idiot for even considering those questions and doubting our perfect God! Paul was saying that our faith is not just another fad brought about by the rulers or celebrities of this age like; Pogs, Rubik's cube, disco, horoscopes and slap bracelets. It is something that is real and he has chosen to show the weak, the poor, and the foolish to reveal his power. The power of God is revealed in the little people of our world that we would know that it is nothing of man, but only the power of God through man.
Thus we know that people are not going to be one over by the powers of speech that we possess, but rather the power of God that is displayed through us. The world is not going to be changed by our vast knowledge in apologetics or in our B and T degrees, but it is going to be changed when people humbly come to their knees and give their hearts to God and let the Holy Spirit work through them freely. The study of the Word of God, ancient texts, and devotionals are there to help us grow closer to God, but we can not believe for a second that our vast knowledge of spiritual things will be the thing that wins souls for Christ. “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Phil. 4:13)
I leave you with this, “Give me one hundred preachers who fear nothing but sin and desire nothing but God…Such alone will shake the gates of Hell and set up the kingdom of Heaven on Earth.” (John Wesley).
Rich Mullins wrote a series columns in Release and it was in one article call “Telling the Joke” also called “Joking Matters” he wrote this about a conversation with a friend:
Then I remembered two things. The first thing I recall is an argument I once had with a friend. After I had whacked away his last scrap of defense, after I had successfully cut off every possible escape route that he could use, after I had backed him into an inescapable corner and hit him with a great inarguable truth, he blew me away by simply saying, "I do not want to be a Christian. I don't want your Jesus Christ." There was no argument left to be had or won. Faith is a matter of the will as much as it is of the intellect. I wanted to believe in Jesus. My friend wanted to believe in himself. In spite of how convincing my reason was, my reason was not compelling.
He went on to talk about how it was not someone who, “explained the nuts and bolts of Christianity to me, but because there were people who were willing to be nuts and bolts.” This really hit me the first time that I wrote this and I didn’t really see how true that this was until just today I was reading in 1 Corinthians (suggested to me by a friend that I reread it when I was feeling dry about my faith, thanks Tiff!) that I really see what Rich was writing about and how it was not just something that man came up with, but rather something that the Holy Spirit spoke through him to say to me, and hopefully others as well. In 1 Corinthians 2:1-5 and even through the rest of the chapter Paul says this:
When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.
The matter is not about me being some awesome preacher by worldly standards, nor is it about me being someone that has all the answers for Christianity, but rather it is knowing Jesus and letting the Holy Spirit be the one that speaks. The world is not going to be won or one by the eloquent words of Jerome Peterson, but rather by a weak man, saved by grace, that lets the Holy Spirit work through him that is going to save the lost of this generation and maybe the next. We are not here to be “All that we can be” like the US Army, but rather we are to be nothing so that there is nothing that draws men to us, besides the power of Christ within us. Like quoted above Paul said, “My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.”
Before I got into chapter two I was reading chapter one and it confused me and brought so many questions to mind.
Since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe… For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."
So when I read this the first time, I was confused. The chapter brought so many questions to my mind and it seemed as though I would have no answers when I was done. Does this mean that God doesn’t want us to preach to the wise, the rich, or the powerful? Does this mean that God can not be understood in science or in logic? Then does that mean that we are to preach only to the people that are dumb enough to accept this, not that the Cross is dumb but that the people that don’t have their world view on the worldly things, the people who want to escape this world’s pain and sorrow? Does that mean that the world leaders or the celebrities are not wanted in the kingdom? These questions racked my mind and I couldn’t believe that the Word of God would be so narrow in His desire for people. At first the whole thing sounded like Paul was saying get the people who are dumb enough to accept it because the smart people of the world will never believe it.
This scared me and really made me question Paul, but just like taking a quote out of context I needed to read on and that is when chapter two brought chapter one into the light of the Holy Spirit’s wisdom. My questions were so far off based that when I read the second chapter I felt like an idiot for even considering those questions and doubting our perfect God! Paul was saying that our faith is not just another fad brought about by the rulers or celebrities of this age like; Pogs, Rubik's cube, disco, horoscopes and slap bracelets. It is something that is real and he has chosen to show the weak, the poor, and the foolish to reveal his power. The power of God is revealed in the little people of our world that we would know that it is nothing of man, but only the power of God through man.
Thus we know that people are not going to be one over by the powers of speech that we possess, but rather the power of God that is displayed through us. The world is not going to be changed by our vast knowledge in apologetics or in our B and T degrees, but it is going to be changed when people humbly come to their knees and give their hearts to God and let the Holy Spirit work through them freely. The study of the Word of God, ancient texts, and devotionals are there to help us grow closer to God, but we can not believe for a second that our vast knowledge of spiritual things will be the thing that wins souls for Christ. “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Phil. 4:13)
I leave you with this, “Give me one hundred preachers who fear nothing but sin and desire nothing but God…Such alone will shake the gates of Hell and set up the kingdom of Heaven on Earth.” (John Wesley).
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