Where do I go from here?

As of late I have been really thinking about where to go from here… both in aspects of what I want to do with my life and my relationships with people and my relationship with God.
I know a lot of these will run together, but I will try and keep them separated so that I can really explore each and then maybe bring them together at the end…
What I want to do with my life: So what is my calling in life? What do I want to do with my life and what kind of vocation will best fit that? I have been told many times over that I will not find what I want to do right out of college, but that doesn’t help me right now. I want to seriously look into what I want with my life and where I want to go. Life is short and my calling is out there, so I want to take this into consideration as I walk through these first few years of looking so that I don’t waste my time as I try to find the right place for me. I know that I really can’t waste my time if I am trying to find my calling, because I believe with my whole heart that God has a plan for my life and each step is a learning experience for my life. But at the same time right now I am staying up late and sleeping in late and have not done much of anything with my life besides watching “two and a half men” and “family guy” as I lay awake at night. I have not been spending time in the Word or in prayer to see where God is directing me, so I might just have to say that I have been wasting my life. That is the sad part, right now I am feeling so worthless in what I am doing and I am not ok with that, yet I am not doing anything with that to make my time worth while. So what am I doing? Wasting my life?

My relationships with other people: What does that look like? What am I suppose to do with my relationships with people? I have failed relationships and I wonder if I am suppose to do more with them and try and work those out or if I am suppose to just let them die? One has been going over the last year, a new Christian trying to set his life right and I wonder what my role in that is suppose to be? We spent the last year talking and hanging out getting to know each other, I supported him as much as I could. I never made any comments about his nights going out getting drunk and going to the clubs, sometimes fights and always dirty dancing, the other things that he would do that I know that a Christian should not be engaged in but I kept my mouth shut and just listened cause I knew that the guy was trying to come closer to God and I knew that he was taking steps and I believed that this was good for him and he didn’t need more rules and things that he had to refrain from. I know that I was there to help him and guide him in the ways that God would want him to go, but I left things because I knew that he needed to learn a lot of these things for himself so that he would take them to heart and believe them for himself so that he would take them seriously and not push them away as worthless advice of someone trying to change his life. Then when there was something questionable that happened in our friendship where he thought I was the one who kept him from hanging out with a girl, which was true in a sense, but yet instead of talking to me about it, he told me to “go fuck myself” which hurt that he wouldn’t take 5 seconds to talk to me about it or even trust me that I wouldn’t do something to intentionally hurt him. He later apologized and so we went on with our friendship, then after school ended we had another fight where he said that I narked on him for a lot of things and that is why he got kicked out of college. So again instead of trusting me in our year (school year) of friendship he blames me for a lot of things and turns our friendship off completely. So what am I suppose to do with something like that? Am I suppose to go and try to figure out what happened and fix this? Am I suppose to just let it blow over? Am I suppose to forget the friendship and count it for loss? Do I go and investigate the whole thing and try and figure out his side of the story?

Relationship with God: What does a real relationship with God Look like? What is the Christian life suppose to look like, feel like? The more that I look at Christianity and what it is, at least here in America, the more that I don’t want to be one. It seems to me that it is so trivial, like a bunch of people who hid behind the greatest gift in the world and almost use it as an excuse for their sin and shortcomings instead of trying to honor Christ in their walk with him or come close to Him. The thought in my head is “who is the Jesus that American Christians worship?” I mean seriously, the other day I went to church and as always I look around at the people who walk in during worship. There were two kinds of people at this service, the ones who came in and as bowed their head and prayed as soon as they reached their seat and the other were the people coming into the service like it was a concert. They were giggling and talking to each other. Now don’t get me wrong, which I know some will when they read this getting angry and saying “why can’t we come to church in a good and happy mood?” But that is not the point of what I am trying to say. I just want to know where the reverence for God, the Almighty Creator of the universe and the one who cares enough for me to save me from my wretched life? When you go back in The Old Testament and you look at what the High Priests had to go through in order to come before God and that was only the high priest and only once a year! Then you look at Moses who took off his sandals and ever time you seem someone who meets an Angel of the Lord they lay prostrate on the ground before them. What I see now a days when I go to church is a bunch of people who treat Jesus as their homeboy and not their God. Where is the reverence that the Catholics hold to or the saints of old? When I see things like this I want to stop being a Christian, because if this is what Christianity is: then the Bible is fake. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” I don’t see that in so many Christians. I see people making their own religion on of “sunday jesus” (I leave them uncapitalised because my God is not in that). I want to see real Christianity and know what it is like! I want to know what a personal relationship is with Jesus that the saints of old talk about. I want to know the heart of the Father and not like I know anyone’s heart, cause I don’t even get my own heart. I want to know what God is and I want to know what the Bible talks about on such an intimate level that I am a new creation. On a level that I have the words of God written on my heart on a deeper level then the desires of my sinful nature control me. I want to be a slave to Christ in that I will give up all my rights and desires and they will become His. I want nothing more then to become like the one that I want to worship and read about in the Bible. So this question is not for someone to comment cause the only answer is going to come from God and no one else. What am I looking for an not finding?

So what is the conclusion to all of this? Nothing… people may read this and be fired up about what I wrote, but the truth is simply that there won’t be change in their lives because they don’t want it. They want the comfort or they are just too lazy to really become a follower of Christ.

My Father in Heaven, I can not deny you, never will I but please save me from the idolism in our world!