A week at camp and the Revelations that followed

I recently went to a camp in northern Minnesota called Big Sandy Camp because a friend asked if I would help out cause they were short councilors. Of course I agreed because there was no reason for me not to go, because I had no job and no other commitments that needed to be filled. Most of the time I am not sure why God has me do some of the things that I do because I never really am given a clear answer, but here is a some from my journal as I pondered that question:

“Lord, I can’t sleep and I feel that these is something bothering me that I won’t sleep… So I call out to you my God and just ask… What? What is it that you want me to know? What do you want me to hear? What do you want me to say? What do you want me to see? Why God am I here?
There is always a reason for what you have going on in my life so here I am God asking that you would help me see what it is that you have me here for, because God I know that even if you didn’t want me to come you have a plan in that. God you showed me that today while I listened to the story of Jonah. That is so crazy to me! You knew Jonah would run away and yet you used him anyways to bring those sailors to you! So I know that even if you didn’t want me to come here these is a reason for that.
I know and always want to trust in you but at times as a weak human doubts start to come into my head and it is at those moments when I need you most! To work in me, giving me tastes to remind me that you got my back and that I am honoring you!
So please Lord, help me to lead those kids with love! Help me to give those kids an image of your love and life so that they know the Father cause I know you!
So I sit back and wait for you! Come meet me here and talk to me!
June 16, 2010
So to put in the answer to the question that was asked the other night would be hard because God didn’t give me any one answer. These are the toughts that came to my mind…. I am here to be broken, to seve those around me, to be a gift of service to the camp as they need, or even to just to have a fun week. . . Or maybe even to get ideas for Kamp Kace.
So one thing about this trip to camp here.
1. I need to love people better.
a. there are people that have personalities of selfishness, egotistic or what-not
b. I get so angry and want to tell them off and rub their nose in their own poop* (not the word I used) and tell them… see it does stink!
The problem is that I am this person but to be honest I don’t want to break myself!
2. God, I believe, is that I need to be broken
a. Troy barrowed me a book that is about being broken…
b. The book is very compelling… and though there is pain in the offering I know that the out come is what I need!
Take my heart, and form it!
Take my mind, and transform it!
Take my will, and conform it!
To yours, to yours O’ Lord!
That is such a beautiful song and the words really have the feeling of the book that I have been reading. ‘Brokenness is what I need’ This song or at least this verse never made sense to me! So the point as I understand it now is that in order for me to really be formed, transformed, and conformed to God’s, mine has to be broken to really be able to be molded to God. To look like god, I have to take the clay mold of my heart to look like God’s heart. To be broken it then gives God the chance to remake. It will hurt, but in the end my heart, my mind, and my will, will be like God’s and to that is the glory of God!”

So much in that week… I still am trying to unpack it all and still trying to read the book! Why do I never take the time that I am given freely and use it for something that makes my Savior proud of his son?