A week at camp and the Revelations that followed

I recently went to a camp in northern Minnesota called Big Sandy Camp because a friend asked if I would help out cause they were short councilors. Of course I agreed because there was no reason for me not to go, because I had no job and no other commitments that needed to be filled. Most of the time I am not sure why God has me do some of the things that I do because I never really am given a clear answer, but here is a some from my journal as I pondered that question:

“Lord, I can’t sleep and I feel that these is something bothering me that I won’t sleep… So I call out to you my God and just ask… What? What is it that you want me to know? What do you want me to hear? What do you want me to say? What do you want me to see? Why God am I here?
There is always a reason for what you have going on in my life so here I am God asking that you would help me see what it is that you have me here for, because God I know that even if you didn’t want me to come you have a plan in that. God you showed me that today while I listened to the story of Jonah. That is so crazy to me! You knew Jonah would run away and yet you used him anyways to bring those sailors to you! So I know that even if you didn’t want me to come here these is a reason for that.
I know and always want to trust in you but at times as a weak human doubts start to come into my head and it is at those moments when I need you most! To work in me, giving me tastes to remind me that you got my back and that I am honoring you!
So please Lord, help me to lead those kids with love! Help me to give those kids an image of your love and life so that they know the Father cause I know you!
So I sit back and wait for you! Come meet me here and talk to me!
June 16, 2010
So to put in the answer to the question that was asked the other night would be hard because God didn’t give me any one answer. These are the toughts that came to my mind…. I am here to be broken, to seve those around me, to be a gift of service to the camp as they need, or even to just to have a fun week. . . Or maybe even to get ideas for Kamp Kace.
So one thing about this trip to camp here.
1. I need to love people better.
a. there are people that have personalities of selfishness, egotistic or what-not
b. I get so angry and want to tell them off and rub their nose in their own poop* (not the word I used) and tell them… see it does stink!
The problem is that I am this person but to be honest I don’t want to break myself!
2. God, I believe, is that I need to be broken
a. Troy barrowed me a book that is about being broken…
b. The book is very compelling… and though there is pain in the offering I know that the out come is what I need!
Take my heart, and form it!
Take my mind, and transform it!
Take my will, and conform it!
To yours, to yours O’ Lord!
That is such a beautiful song and the words really have the feeling of the book that I have been reading. ‘Brokenness is what I need’ This song or at least this verse never made sense to me! So the point as I understand it now is that in order for me to really be formed, transformed, and conformed to God’s, mine has to be broken to really be able to be molded to God. To look like god, I have to take the clay mold of my heart to look like God’s heart. To be broken it then gives God the chance to remake. It will hurt, but in the end my heart, my mind, and my will, will be like God’s and to that is the glory of God!”

So much in that week… I still am trying to unpack it all and still trying to read the book! Why do I never take the time that I am given freely and use it for something that makes my Savior proud of his son?

Where do I go from here?

As of late I have been really thinking about where to go from here… both in aspects of what I want to do with my life and my relationships with people and my relationship with God.
I know a lot of these will run together, but I will try and keep them separated so that I can really explore each and then maybe bring them together at the end…
What I want to do with my life: So what is my calling in life? What do I want to do with my life and what kind of vocation will best fit that? I have been told many times over that I will not find what I want to do right out of college, but that doesn’t help me right now. I want to seriously look into what I want with my life and where I want to go. Life is short and my calling is out there, so I want to take this into consideration as I walk through these first few years of looking so that I don’t waste my time as I try to find the right place for me. I know that I really can’t waste my time if I am trying to find my calling, because I believe with my whole heart that God has a plan for my life and each step is a learning experience for my life. But at the same time right now I am staying up late and sleeping in late and have not done much of anything with my life besides watching “two and a half men” and “family guy” as I lay awake at night. I have not been spending time in the Word or in prayer to see where God is directing me, so I might just have to say that I have been wasting my life. That is the sad part, right now I am feeling so worthless in what I am doing and I am not ok with that, yet I am not doing anything with that to make my time worth while. So what am I doing? Wasting my life?

My relationships with other people: What does that look like? What am I suppose to do with my relationships with people? I have failed relationships and I wonder if I am suppose to do more with them and try and work those out or if I am suppose to just let them die? One has been going over the last year, a new Christian trying to set his life right and I wonder what my role in that is suppose to be? We spent the last year talking and hanging out getting to know each other, I supported him as much as I could. I never made any comments about his nights going out getting drunk and going to the clubs, sometimes fights and always dirty dancing, the other things that he would do that I know that a Christian should not be engaged in but I kept my mouth shut and just listened cause I knew that the guy was trying to come closer to God and I knew that he was taking steps and I believed that this was good for him and he didn’t need more rules and things that he had to refrain from. I know that I was there to help him and guide him in the ways that God would want him to go, but I left things because I knew that he needed to learn a lot of these things for himself so that he would take them to heart and believe them for himself so that he would take them seriously and not push them away as worthless advice of someone trying to change his life. Then when there was something questionable that happened in our friendship where he thought I was the one who kept him from hanging out with a girl, which was true in a sense, but yet instead of talking to me about it, he told me to “go fuck myself” which hurt that he wouldn’t take 5 seconds to talk to me about it or even trust me that I wouldn’t do something to intentionally hurt him. He later apologized and so we went on with our friendship, then after school ended we had another fight where he said that I narked on him for a lot of things and that is why he got kicked out of college. So again instead of trusting me in our year (school year) of friendship he blames me for a lot of things and turns our friendship off completely. So what am I suppose to do with something like that? Am I suppose to go and try to figure out what happened and fix this? Am I suppose to just let it blow over? Am I suppose to forget the friendship and count it for loss? Do I go and investigate the whole thing and try and figure out his side of the story?

Relationship with God: What does a real relationship with God Look like? What is the Christian life suppose to look like, feel like? The more that I look at Christianity and what it is, at least here in America, the more that I don’t want to be one. It seems to me that it is so trivial, like a bunch of people who hid behind the greatest gift in the world and almost use it as an excuse for their sin and shortcomings instead of trying to honor Christ in their walk with him or come close to Him. The thought in my head is “who is the Jesus that American Christians worship?” I mean seriously, the other day I went to church and as always I look around at the people who walk in during worship. There were two kinds of people at this service, the ones who came in and as bowed their head and prayed as soon as they reached their seat and the other were the people coming into the service like it was a concert. They were giggling and talking to each other. Now don’t get me wrong, which I know some will when they read this getting angry and saying “why can’t we come to church in a good and happy mood?” But that is not the point of what I am trying to say. I just want to know where the reverence for God, the Almighty Creator of the universe and the one who cares enough for me to save me from my wretched life? When you go back in The Old Testament and you look at what the High Priests had to go through in order to come before God and that was only the high priest and only once a year! Then you look at Moses who took off his sandals and ever time you seem someone who meets an Angel of the Lord they lay prostrate on the ground before them. What I see now a days when I go to church is a bunch of people who treat Jesus as their homeboy and not their God. Where is the reverence that the Catholics hold to or the saints of old? When I see things like this I want to stop being a Christian, because if this is what Christianity is: then the Bible is fake. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” I don’t see that in so many Christians. I see people making their own religion on of “sunday jesus” (I leave them uncapitalised because my God is not in that). I want to see real Christianity and know what it is like! I want to know what a personal relationship is with Jesus that the saints of old talk about. I want to know the heart of the Father and not like I know anyone’s heart, cause I don’t even get my own heart. I want to know what God is and I want to know what the Bible talks about on such an intimate level that I am a new creation. On a level that I have the words of God written on my heart on a deeper level then the desires of my sinful nature control me. I want to be a slave to Christ in that I will give up all my rights and desires and they will become His. I want nothing more then to become like the one that I want to worship and read about in the Bible. So this question is not for someone to comment cause the only answer is going to come from God and no one else. What am I looking for an not finding?

So what is the conclusion to all of this? Nothing… people may read this and be fired up about what I wrote, but the truth is simply that there won’t be change in their lives because they don’t want it. They want the comfort or they are just too lazy to really become a follower of Christ.

My Father in Heaven, I can not deny you, never will I but please save me from the idolism in our world!

Tradition or Bibical Ideals...

I have been thinking a lot on my world views and how I am suppose to develop them in accordance with Scripture. I have been looking at the things that I have been taught first by my parents and then what I have learned in Christian school and then what I have read in the Bible for myself. It makes me wonder how I am suppose to bring the Old Testament Laws and New Testament teaching into my daily life. For example, I was on facebook and I saw a picture of people sitting around and during what I believe was a Bible study/prayer meeting in someone’s house, the older man was sitting on the floor where all the young adults were sitting on the couches and chairs. It made me think of how that would work in my own house and how personally I would never willingly let an elder to me sit on the floor. Now is that something that is just a personal preference or just something that is founded in scripture? Is it a old ideal of my parent’s generation or something that should last through generations? The first scripture that comes to my mind is, “ Honor your father and mother, “"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12) But then, “3Jesus replied, "And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition?” (Matthew 15:3) So I wonder then also if I am going with a tradition or am I trying to honor God’s Word? If anyone had any opinions I would love to hear them!

Telling the Joke, again...

Telling The Joke, again…

Rich Mullins wrote a series columns in Release and it was in one article call “Telling the Joke” also called “Joking Matters” he wrote this about a conversation with a friend:
Then I remembered two things. The first thing I recall is an argument I once had with a friend. After I had whacked away his last scrap of defense, after I had successfully cut off every possible escape route that he could use, after I had backed him into an inescapable corner and hit him with a great inarguable truth, he blew me away by simply saying, "I do not want to be a Christian. I don't want your Jesus Christ." There was no argument left to be had or won. Faith is a matter of the will as much as it is of the intellect. I wanted to believe in Jesus. My friend wanted to believe in himself. In spite of how convincing my reason was, my reason was not compelling.
He went on to talk about how it was not someone who, “explained the nuts and bolts of Christianity to me, but because there were people who were willing to be nuts and bolts.” This really hit me the first time that I wrote this and I didn’t really see how true that this was until just today I was reading in 1 Corinthians (suggested to me by a friend that I reread it when I was feeling dry about my faith, thanks Tiff!) that I really see what Rich was writing about and how it was not just something that man came up with, but rather something that the Holy Spirit spoke through him to say to me, and hopefully others as well. In 1 Corinthians 2:1-5 and even through the rest of the chapter Paul says this:
When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.
The matter is not about me being some awesome preacher by worldly standards, nor is it about me being someone that has all the answers for Christianity, but rather it is knowing Jesus and letting the Holy Spirit be the one that speaks. The world is not going to be won or one by the eloquent words of Jerome Peterson, but rather by a weak man, saved by grace, that lets the Holy Spirit work through him that is going to save the lost of this generation and maybe the next. We are not here to be “All that we can be” like the US Army, but rather we are to be nothing so that there is nothing that draws men to us, besides the power of Christ within us. Like quoted above Paul said, “My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.”

Before I got into chapter two I was reading chapter one and it confused me and brought so many questions to mind.
Since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe… For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

So when I read this the first time, I was confused. The chapter brought so many questions to my mind and it seemed as though I would have no answers when I was done. Does this mean that God doesn’t want us to preach to the wise, the rich, or the powerful? Does this mean that God can not be understood in science or in logic? Then does that mean that we are to preach only to the people that are dumb enough to accept this, not that the Cross is dumb but that the people that don’t have their world view on the worldly things, the people who want to escape this world’s pain and sorrow? Does that mean that the world leaders or the celebrities are not wanted in the kingdom? These questions racked my mind and I couldn’t believe that the Word of God would be so narrow in His desire for people. At first the whole thing sounded like Paul was saying get the people who are dumb enough to accept it because the smart people of the world will never believe it.

This scared me and really made me question Paul, but just like taking a quote out of context I needed to read on and that is when chapter two brought chapter one into the light of the Holy Spirit’s wisdom. My questions were so far off based that when I read the second chapter I felt like an idiot for even considering those questions and doubting our perfect God! Paul was saying that our faith is not just another fad brought about by the rulers or celebrities of this age like; Pogs, Rubik's cube, disco, horoscopes and slap bracelets. It is something that is real and he has chosen to show the weak, the poor, and the foolish to reveal his power. The power of God is revealed in the little people of our world that we would know that it is nothing of man, but only the power of God through man.

Thus we know that people are not going to be one over by the powers of speech that we possess, but rather the power of God that is displayed through us. The world is not going to be changed by our vast knowledge in apologetics or in our B and T degrees, but it is going to be changed when people humbly come to their knees and give their hearts to God and let the Holy Spirit work through them freely. The study of the Word of God, ancient texts, and devotionals are there to help us grow closer to God, but we can not believe for a second that our vast knowledge of spiritual things will be the thing that wins souls for Christ. “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Phil. 4:13)

I leave you with this, “Give me one hundred preachers who fear nothing but sin and desire nothing but God…Such alone will shake the gates of Hell and set up the kingdom of Heaven on Earth.” (John Wesley).

My Thank You for your Support

Thank you!
I cannot begin to tell you about the impact that you have made for the kingdom of God with your support of my team going to Mexico this year. I wish I could spend hours just telling you about all the things that went on down there, but I can’t. So for now I am going to tell you about some of the biggest highlights of the trip so that you can get a feel of what went on and then maybe we can some day sit down and I can tell you more!
Let me start with alittle over view of what we did while we were there:
The first and most important part of what we were doing while we were there was to love on the kids. When talking with the Antonio and Alejandra Lara about the kids there, we learned that the majority of the kids there are not what you would think as of orphans, for they still have parents, but they are there because their parents are no longer able to take care of them, won’t take care of them, or have left them. Thus our first and most important priority is to show the kids real love and what it means to follow Christ. One of the kids that captured all of our hearts, his name is Jonathan, was described to us as “a wild animal” when he came to the orphanage. Through the love of the workers and care from Antonio and Alejandra he is becoming more and more manageable. I myself could see this just in the time that we were there, with the love and disciple that we were able to give him in the week we were there. I could see that by the end of the week he would respect me and listen when I told him to do things.
The second reason was to teach the kids useful skills that they can use in life. So while we were there, we were able to put on three different classes. There was computer, sewing, and cooking classes. We feel that the classes went really well and the kids were able to learn a lot. At times I think that we learned as much as they did!
Third was VBS with activities every morning. Before breakfast we would do a skit and sing songs with the kids. This year we decided that we wanted to teach them about what it means to follow Jesus and used the stories like Jesus calling the disciples, when he allowed the little children to come to him, and when Jesus asked Peter to take care of his sheep. Then on the last day we shared a couple of our testimonies of when we came to Christ and what it means to us to follow Christ.
One last thing that we were able to do with the kids, was taking them to the movies! This is something special for the kids, to go out to a movie with their friends! There is so much joy in seeing their happy faces and the excitement that they have as we walked up to our seats and then the how they became fixed on the movie as it starts.
So now that you know what we all did while we down there, let me share some of the greatest highlights of the trip! The greatest of these is the many prayers that was answered, and some right in the middle of the prayer. Being that I can only share so much here in a letter, let me give you some of the best ones. So as we crossed the boarder in two cars, it got very crazy and we got separated even before we crossed into Mexico. Being that I have been to Tijuana twice before, I pulled over and tried to find where they were and called the other car, so when I called them they said that they were going to find a place and stop. I hung up and had the girls in my car pray and later was told that as the other car was praying, I called them back and knew exactly where they were, which was only a block away!
The other and probably most awesome answer to pray was our prayer for a translator. Let me go back alittle so that you understand the beauty of this answered prayer. I had tried many different options before we left to find a translator, and all my options came up fruitless. So as we went down without any translator we were just planning to just use what skills we had and make best of the situation. The first two days went well, as we only played with the kids and Antonio, who runs the orphanage speaks a little English, was able to communicate what we needed to do. Then on Sunday at church we had a guy sit behind us and translated the service, which is not unusual, and then after the service we were talking with him and ended up exchanging numbers. Then on Monday night after a day of doing our best with our own skills and the help of a Spanish Bible, Abe texted me and after a short conversation told us that he would be with us in the morning! Not expecting much out of him for the week, thinking that he would only chill with us during the day, he ended up staying with the whole week and exceeding all expectations that we had! Looking back at the time leading up to the trip and also the people that we had looked into having being our translator, I can see that God had his hand on us. Abe was an amazing translator, had a very good knowledge of Tijuana, and children’s ministry. He ended up being a great guide as we went into the city to do shopping for our ministry and our own personal souvenirs
So as I end this letter, I just wish I could tell you more. But for now I will leave you with this much. I pray that I will be able to share more with you in person. I pray that God will bless you as you have blessed me with your prayers and support!


The grace of the Lord Jesus be with you
My love to all of you in Christ Jesus
Jerome Peterson

The selfish wall

I came to this curious field which had this wall running through the middle of it. The wall was ten feet high and from what I could tell three feet thick. It was solid and smooth, painted with the most beautiful colors that I could ever have imagined, which called to me in soft warm words, “come and sit, you are welcome, I will listen” I look to the left and to the right and see nothing but the wall running as far as my eye can see. What can I do, but look at this wall that stands in front of me? Why should I do anything but what it says? The colors are inviting, the motion they give are as a blanket to wrap around me with the warmth of summer. Sitting down, I faced the wall and started talking. What compelled me to? I am not sure, but I just know that there was this, draw there, pulling me to do what I was doing. The morning turned to noon and the noon past along too, but as the sun gets lower in the sky I start to notice something. . . My words are starting to pile up on the ground in front of the wall, not all of them mind you, but only some. I keep talked as I lean forward to my knees and then inch forward to see as a couple more of my words hit the wall and fall to the ground before it. Confused I rose to my feet and asked the wall, “Why do my words fall before you?” But yet even those words hit the wall, bounced off and floated to the ground in front of the wall. Struck silent in my confusion, I bend down and scooped up the words to see which ones fell. It wasn’t those that talked about the beauty of the field that the wall was blessed to be in, or the glory of the sun as it shone down on us through the day. So what were they? I looked closer and it was the ones that meant the most to me?! On the ground were the little pieces of my broken heart… the things that I told the wall that hurt me . . . it dropped them?
I won’t open my mouth again the words will only hit a thick wall of self-righteousness! Unwilling, unwanting, uncaring hard wall of indifference. The paint on the outside says “come”, it says “welcome”, it says “I will listen.” I would tell you how much I hate you, but why waste my breath, you would drop them too. “I will listen”? Fuck you wall! You think you can just ignore my feelings? You think you can just take what you want out of the relationship and not think about how that makes me feel!? Well fuck you!

The anger burns within me as even the “fuck you”s hit the wall and float to the ground… I pick up the broken pieces of my heart and walk away. The sun sets.

I left the “fuck you”s praying and hoping that they will grow and the roots would break down the wall and the welcomes will actually mean something.

The Complexities of This Thing We Call Life

The storm of oppression hit like waves crashing against the beach…. Slowly it erodes away the strength and beauty of the beach until it looks and feels like a mess. The storm causing massive flooding that takes so long to clean up and fix, after the damage has been done, you are left trying to pick up the pieces that have left you alone and in anguish. . .

It started with a “relaxing” weekend with new friends at a birthday weekend at a camp that her dad is the director at. We went Friday and came back on a Sunday, it would have been fun but oppression hit like the waves on the shore. I felt alone and unable to relate with the people there, it seemed like my ideals and thoughts where foreign to them, the way that I think incongruent with theirs. People’s personalities and actions would annoy me and so by the end of the weekend, I was more tired then I was before…. Completely emotionally drained and weak… this flowed through the week like a flood, that you have to pick up the damaged pieces and you try to start over. So I did, unsuccessfully, I walked through the tatters of my less then blissful week. It came to Friday, I was done. . . wanting a restful weekend alone to regroup and refresh for another week. But I had a retreat that I was suppose to go to, so I went to see Juan. She encouraged me, but I was still down. So I went to the retreat and had an amazing weekend with the group of girls that I am leading to Mexico. God really brought us together as a group and I could not have asked for a better weekend. Then as soon as I got back to Crown, the devil attack me hard core with feelings of worthlessness, whispers of how unattractive I am, and how no one cares about you! Lies, lie, lies, lies!!!

Thank you God for the encouragement, if the devil has to attack me for a week strait with lies and depression, plus these lies and untrue feelings after great weekend, I know that I am doing good if he feels that threatened by me! God you are good to me even when I am not the greatest to you!

For after a depressing time watching the superbowl… and not cause I liked a team (cause I could careless about all that) I got back to my room and was feeling very down and out, but through the encouragement of angels in the form of friends encouraged me to the believe in the truth and reject the lies, but the best part was that this song that I downloaded from family guy came on and it goes, “shut da F**k up! *bang bang bang bang*” ha ha Oh God you have a sense of humor! I love it… then as I started to write this blog, my roommate walked in (the one that I have not had the strongest relationship with this year) and started talking to me. I was not looking to this as it would be a great chat, but it turned into a great conversation/discussion about life, the LORD, and our faith. Then about an hour into the conversation my other roommate came in and continued the conversation till 1:30 in the morning to which we stopped and I finished writing the blog. So I just had a 4 hour conversation/good time talk with my roommates who raised my spirits and my sole.

God be praised for all that you do in my life. Help me to always trust you first, then question what is going on!